While people-pleasing might seem like a harmless personality trait, it often masks more profound emotional struggles that can precipitate mental illnesses like depression and anxiety. Depression, also known as major depressive disorder (MDD), is associated with a range of symptoms, including feelings of hopelessness, persistent sadness, and people-pleasing tendencies.
What is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is a behavioral pattern in which someone puts others’ needs, desires, opinions, and comfort above their own. While putting others before yourself in moderation is a thoughtful trait, people-pleasers often struggle with doing this in healthy moderation. The causes of people-pleasing can include low self-esteem, insecurities, perfectionism, and past experiences or trauma.
Some common characteristics of people-pleasers include:
- Perfectionists
- Friendly
- Anxious
- Low self-esteem
- Dependent
- Self-sacrificing
- Conflict-avoidant
People-pleasers often fear rejection or disapproval from others, including family members, friends, employers, and coworkers. As a result of their need to please others, they often struggle to set or maintain boundaries, which can lead to emotional exhaustion.
Someone who struggles with people-pleasing may suppress their feelings and opinions to avoid conflict. They may also feel responsible for others’ happiness, which can lead to further dependent and conflict-avoidant behaviors.
People-pleasers constantly sacrifice their desires for others, which can contribute to mental health issues, resentment, and a loss of identity.
The Hidden Emotional Costs of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is commonly associated with “sociotropy,” a personality trait involving excessive focus on or need for social acceptance and closeness. Studies show that sociotropy can make individuals more vulnerable to the development of depressive symptoms and depression. When people-pleasers are faced with cases of abandonment, loss, or criticism, they are at a greater risk of depression.
The emotional costs of people-pleasing typically result in suppressed emotions, chronic stress, mental illness, and a loss of self-identity.
Suppressed Emotions
People-pleasing often causes individuals to suppress their feelings and opinions to keep the peace. Unresolved emotions can manifest as frustration, irritability, and sadness, all common symptoms of depression.
Suppressing your needs and emotions can result in frustration and resentment towards others, exacerbating hopelessness and sadness. Unresolved feelings can lead individuals to seek out ways to self-medicate, resulting in unhealthy coping strategies like drug and alcohol abuse.
Chronic Stress and Anxiety
People who struggle with high levels of stress and anxiety may also grapple with people-pleasing tendencies. Anxious individuals are often eager to please others and keep them happy, further reinforcing emotional exhaustion and chronic stress.
The fear of disappointing others or abandonment creates feelings of anxiety, which can spiral into depression—constantly trying to fulfill other’s needs and expectations while neglecting you leads to stress and burnout.
Mental Health Disorders
When people-pleasers are so consumed with what others think and if they are happy with them, this can give rise to severe mental health issues. Several mental health conditions are associated with people-pleasing, including:
- Major depressive disorder (MDD)
- Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
- Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
- Codependency
- Dependent personality disorder
People-pleasing can be a symptom of these mental illnesses but can also contribute to their development of them. While occasional acts of kindness and selflessness are healthy, chronic people-pleasing tendencies can significantly impair mental health and well-being.
Loss of Self-Identity
When you prioritize someone else’s needs above your own, you lose touch with your sense of self. You may lose sight of your goals and aspirations while focusing on pleasing others. Over time, this can erode your self-perception and purpose, leaving you empty and disconnected. Disconnectedness and isolation can contribute to depressive symptoms and the development of MDD.
Breaking Free from the Cycle of People-Pleasing and Depression
The trap of people-pleasing lies in the emotional imbalance it creates. Your emotional well-being becomes incredibly fragile and unsustainable when it is tied solely to the acceptance and closeness of others. People-pleasers often experience a lack of reciprocation, which can further contribute to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, stress, and depression.
Breaking free from this emotional exhaustion and people-pleasing cycle requires acknowledging the patterns, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking support. Taking intentional steps toward healing and change allows individuals to rediscover their identity and purpose.
Recognize the Patterns
Identifying if you have people-pleasing tendencies is the first step to breaking the cycle. Here are some signs to look for that may indicate people-pleasing behaviors:
- You have a hard time saying “no.”
- You feel incredibly guilty when you do say “no.”
- You have a constant need for validation.
- You avoid conflict and fear rejection.
- You suppress your feelings to avoid burdening others.
- You are constantly apologizing.
- You neglect your own needs to support others
- You do everything you can to win the approval of others
Identifying the underlying emotional struggles that may be facilitating people-pleasing behaviors and depression can help you work toward change and healing.
Seek Professional Support
Therapy approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help address people-pleasing tendencies, depressive symptoms, and major depressive disorder. A therapist can help you identify these patterns and establish healthy boundaries to avoid being a people-pleaser.
By exploring the root causes of depression and people-pleasing, therapy can provide healthy coping techniques for healing and an improved sense of self.
Learn to Establish Healthy Boundaries
Start small by practicing boundaries in low-stakes situations, such as saying “no” to a minor request. Especially if you are feeling tired or don’t have the time, learning how to say no is a small but significant step toward change.
Refrain from leaving room for negotiation by using assertive communication when declining or saying “no.” Remind yourself that not everyone will accept your boundaries immediately, and that’s okay. When people are accustomed to you always saying “yes” or constantly being available, they begin to take advantage and expect it.
Stay consistent and stand firm with your boundaries, reminding yourself that it benefits your mental health, well-being, and relationships.
Build Self-Worth and Rediscover Your Identity
Building self-confidence requires treating yourself with kindness when self-critical thoughts transpire. Replace self-deprecating thoughts with affirmations, mindfulness, and self-care techniques to restore inner confidence and peace. Spend time identifying your personal passions, goals, and needs to shift your priorities away from the approval of others.
Finding hobbies and interests can foster a new sense of purpose and reduce depressive symptoms. Practice self-compassion and remember that overcoming deeply ingrained traits is a process. Celebrating small wins along the way keeps you motivated and committed to your journey.
For individuals looking for treatment programs for depression and addiction, Coastal Detox offers holistic drug detox programs in Stuart. Reach out to Coastal Detox for dual diagnosis treatment in South Florida.
References:
- PsychCentral, 2024. The Psychology Behind People Pleasing.
- International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 2020. Sociotropy, Autonomy and Emotional Symptoms in Patients with Major Depression or Generalized Anxiety: The Mediating Role of Rumination and Immature Defenses.
- National Institute on Mental Health, 2024. Depression.
- Depression and Anxiety, 2006. Sociotropy–autonomy and interpersonal problems.
- Verywell Mind, 2024. How to Stop People-Pleasing.
- Medical News Today, 2023. People pleaser: What it means and how to stop.